Well, we got married and it’s already been 3.25 years, 2 kids have been had, and we have moved 3 times. Sparks flew and a flame was lit. A lot has happened in a small amount of time. I’m so happy to have Natasha in my life. She brings many wonderful things – here are a few: her excitement in the little things of life, the way she makes our home beautiful, and her passion for helping other people find joy in cooking. Obviously, I benefit a lot from this relationship. We laugh a lot together, talk about our plans for the future, and have several dreams.  Sounds pretty good right? It is.

But we have had lots of conflict too. Usually, it starts with unmet (albeit legitimate) expectations. Than it moves to frustration, exasperation, and possibly on to arguing and maybe a few of those “you alwayses” or “you nevers”. We have had more than our share of that. There are other problems too. It seems like the natural gravity in marriage is AWAY from intentionally spent time, whether in cultivating romance or simply building a personal relationship through a date night. As responsibility grows, so does the temptation to think about everything under the sun besides the health of a marriage.

Somehow, we have done pretty well. Not only are we still standing after 2 kids in 3 years, but we’re not hanging by a thread either. Although our house has crying babies, it also has loads of hugs, kisses and lots of music and dancing. Although time and resources portend little flexibility, the one on one time we do have seems in a sense richer.

None of this being inevitable, why has this occurred? And how long can it last? Will we be one of the 50% to tank their marriage? It’s not impossible. I am reminded of that episode in “Parenthood” when Zeke tells his son Adam to stop judging him for his affair until he gets to year 45. Or something like that.

I hope not. The main reason for my confidence the answer is NO would be that GOD (that’s His first name) does not get thrown on top of our marriage like a cherry sticking out of an Oreo sonic blast. When things are operating like they should, He IS the Oreos, the milk, the sugar and rich goodies contained at the bottom, middle and top. In fact, our marriage is really the cherry. When God is the central focus, the spouse is less likely to be an idol to be worshiped or a possession to be used.

I think in our marriage, this changes the dynamic to certain things – like conflict. Suddenly the “alwayses” and “nevers” can be met in the moment with simple, humble acceptance as having some truth and yet not the substance of our core identities nor reason to despair. Believing the gospel and seeing God’s beauty in His love through Jesus sort of changes the way you perceive a marriage. For many if not most people, marriage is like a daily mission to carry around a mirror and show your spouse all their imperfections.  For more honest people, marriage is like looking into a mirror and seeing those imperfections. For Christians, marriage is like looking in the same mirror, seeing the same face, the same imperfections, but also admiring the tan you have from laying out at the beach. You can face the good things, as well as the unpleasant, having been browned over by the sunlight of God’s love.

Of course, it’s possible to have a decent marriage without God. If you generally play by the rules, morally speaking, it might turn out OK. What you will not get is a sustained, continual life of self-sacrificial love for each other and all the benefits that come with it. There are plenty of sweet, elderly couples who made it 50 years but never grew an inch in their marriage. They just adapted to what was most comfortable and got to keep their morals. Don't let that happen to you. Look instead to the ultimate marriage for guidance - a Bridegroom who slayed the dragon and its powers on behalf of a bride, by giving up his own life. And now He looks ahead to a wedding feast to live happily ever after.